Thursday 19 July 2007

Poison

I had around three hours of sleep last night. My eyes were as heavy as the fins of a space shuttle by 3pm. I flicked my hair forward so that my colleagues either side of me could not see my eyes and I closed them for a moment. I'm pleased I face a window or I would have been caught having a quick shut-eye.

Having looked up the tablets prescribed by the sleep doc, I am now deeply worried. These things are hard core. They explain why a) I feel sick; b) I have lost weight; c) I have strange headaches; d) I am irritable (sometimes to the point of rage); e) feel anxious, and oh, I could go on and on. Suffice to say, this period of my life is not one I want to repeat.

Tough? This makes granite feel like silk.

The most worrying thing is that to come off these tablets can be an absolute hellish bastard. I have looked up the process and it isn't exactly a piece of cake. It's scary. But I no longer want to be on the tablets. It must sound stupid to take something and not fully research it but I had faith – finally – in the doctor, and got swept along because he is who he is.

Nearly four months on, I have some level of physical dependence. It would have happened after about eight weeks. My doctor has barely seen me in all that time. And now I am a fucking drug addict. Brilliant care, that.

I went to kung fu tonight, having made the decision that my life, going forward, must be as drug-free as possible (bar alcohol, on occasion). I obviously need to sort out the reason I don't sleep well but the way of the benzodiazepine is not the way for me.

Google "benzodiazepine" and "withdrawal" and you will see why I am not thrilled. I feel as though I have poisoned myself – or let someone poison me. I'd rather stick to natural endorphins, thanks very much Dr Sleep.

4 comments:

  1. Ms Dark, I am tagging you. Apologies. Details at mine.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi there Anna MR, I shall do what a tag-ee must...
    x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, interesting this. I was once prescribed a drug which all but ruined my life. When I pointed out the catastophic effect the 'medicine' had had on me, I was assured this was impossible and all would be well.

    In fairness, modern medicine has helped me through a range of illness in my time. But it is hard to convince the profession they may have spiked you with something horribly inappropriate.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My doc said: "Don't worry about what you read on the leaflet. It will be OK..." I was so desperate to believe him that I didn't question him. It makes me very angry.

    I am going to be rather insistent that I come off these bastard drugs. Modern medicine can be amazing, of course, but the side-effects can outweigh any good, I think.

    I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a traumatic time with your medication. Hope it's passed and you are free of it now.

    ReplyDelete