Anger: an insight

I have come to the conclusion that anger has been the prevailing emotion in my life of late. Like a sponge that has soaked up Bad Things until it cannot take in any more, stuff seeps out and droplets pool around it. Around me. Things that come close are touched by it. The closer people get, the more the anger droplets wet them. Sometimes they have the strength to flick them off, sometimes they can't, or don't. They get wet and are affected, too.

A friend recently read a batch of my June posts after I (angrily) said he could see what I was up to by perusing the pages here, if he was bothered. I was angry that he hadn't been in touch for a while. He was 'staggered' by the amount of ongoing anger I expressed, which, sadly, is mainly due to the failures of medical professionals with whom I have come into contact (re insomnia) and the [insert collective term for egotistical idiots] bosses I've contended with of late. Luckily, my friend can shake off the droplets and see past my fury.

I am angry a lot of the time. My fuse is short. It is probably all due to that boring old bastard, underlying tiredness. I then become a sponge that's already saturated, with a bucket of cold water sloshed over me from time to time just to make sure.

However much I understand why I feel this way, I am aware that insight alone will only help me so much. Primarily, I need to sleep well, which I do after kung fu (which in itself is wonderful catharsis and acts as a kind hand squeezing out the sponge).

Secondarily, I need to learn to switch off more, and to do so my way. Not what the doctor says, or what people advise. But the way I need to. This is something I have not fathomed but I will work on it. Maybe it is kung fu. Certainly the endorphins help and I come home full of laughter. And there is a mind/body/spirit element to the art that is tantalising.

So, occasionally, I am a dry sponge, but the time it takes for exhaustion – whatever – to soak and drown me can come all too quickly. My task is to find something that will shelter me during such moments.