Up, down, sideways

This stupid tiredness is shoving my moods all over the place, into this corner and that hole. That sort of thing. I think the sleep stuff is the cause. The lack of sleep is being helped lots – lots – by the tablets but I am not sleeping for long enough (due to my strict regime). I still feel the deficit. I am in the red, sleep-wise.

Confusion – well, something underlying – is plaguing me tonight. I feel odd and sad. Tiredness? Hmm. Possibly. Maybe. Who knows? I'm not sure I do. I'm listening to Massive Attack's Protection now. It's beautifully melancholy: "I stand in front of you and take the force of the blow..." However, it doesn't match the exquisiteness of Unfinished Sympathy. Not much does.

I was exhausted after my last kung fu session. My limbs now ache with heaviness and there is a darkish mood simmering in my head. It was one of those days where lethargy coloured my abilities, such as they are.

Where are the endorphins now? They've gone, gone, gone. They've buggered off. I'm meant to do some yoga or t'ai chi (as prescribed by P six weeks ago) but I haven't got round to it. What an idiot (me, not P).

It has been very humid in London for the past two days. The air has weight. A deep breath does not refresh your lungs sufficiently, not in the heart of the City. The rain, when it comes, is hard but brief. I've carried a raincoat, umbrella, and had to wear or carry a cardigan as the office can be cold when the air conditioning is switched on.

So, I end up like a bag lady with all my bits and pieces; my skin glows uncomfortably from the strain and heat. If the newsstand people thrust free papers at me, I'm done for, co-ordination-wise. It's too challenging. I'm never quite sure where my train ticket is in such circumstances.

This weather drains me. I feel like a slug that has had salt poured on to it (I have never done such a thing but can imagine what happens...).

I wish for a dramatic storm, for the electricity cloaked in the clouds to make supercharged connections and create the biggest, most beautiful sparks that nature can manage. Come on.