Growls and roses

It's a tad cathartic to write stuff down while I'm powerless to take action over this current work 'blacklisting' situation. But I still feel rubbish and extremely, powerfully, stupefyingly enraged and hurt. If smoke could pour from my ears, it would. If fire could emanate from my mouth it would.

And I have had a sinking feeling in my stomach since Thursday, which rendered me subdued at a meal with K last night. I hadn't seen K for two years but happily she is still the same bubbly lady, full of tales and mirth. Hopefully, she didn't notice my preoccupation with what I shall now call the 'Blacklisting'. I didn't bore her with the details of what had happened and we had a pleasant evening, though I was tired through having my sleep curtailed because of worry about the effing Blacklisting.

I know this blog has been a little glum and work-obsessed over the past couple of days – apologies – but most people in my position would probably feel the same. When you are self-employed being bad-mouthed for no apparent reason is deeply hurtful – financially and otherwise. Sticks and stones may break my bones but slander makes my name mud.

I imagine the people responsible for my current mood are having very nice Easter breaks now. Well, mine is tainted and for that I am resentful. I'm afraid I'm not one of those people who can go, "Oh, alright, I'll wait till C is back on [whatever date it is] and then sort it out. Let me put my feet up and have a glass of Badoit." [Alcohol is sadly banned at the moment or I'd have hit the rioja, believe me.]

It was a beautiful day, weather-wise, as it has been since Blacklisting day (or should I say Thursday, although J was told (by C) not to employ me again back on Wednesday). S bought me a bouquet of beautiful pale pink roses to cheer me up yesterday after we went for a walk by the river. It was so peaceful sitting on a bench just watching the boats go by, and we even played catch, although I drew the line at using a proper cricket ball. For a female, I catch and throw well but my fingernails are currently longish.

S and his dad did great work on S's little boat today. They worked literally all day while I pottered, went to Sainsbury's, tidied up, took some painkillers to counter my continuing cold (and Blacklisting headache), cried a bit, thought a lot and then fell asleep in the sun on the sofa until S and my father-in-law returned at dinner time.

I can hear S watching cricket on the TV and the rabbits are hungrily munching their vegetables. There's a lot to be said for home comforts...