Fiftieth post

Let's see where we are. I'm somewhat surprised that I have written 50 posts since I began this blog. The topics are wide-ranging, I think, but have a theme related to sleep and wellbeing throughout.

At the start of this year, I was allowed to drink wine, but it's not wise (or allowed) while I'm on my sleeping tablets. So, now I don't drink any alcohol, and the thing is, I don't miss it. Yes, there have been days, especially recently, when a glass of something cold and bubbly would have been nice but it's just not on.

The good thing is that my sleep problem is being looked at by a top specialist (although high quality sleep has evaded me and the tablets a bit recently due to work matters; see recent posts for further details)...

So, to work: I worked extremely hard, to the point of exhaustion, especially earlier this year. And I was 'thanked' by being having future work taken away from me by a woman who, from what I hear, just doesn't like me. That's something I've had hanging over me for a couple of weeks now. Such a shame – a real shame – that it happened when it did. I feel robbed of more than a week of calmness.

To regain some calmness and control, I have started kung fu classes. S and I try to go along as often as we can. I love the classes. I am not yet much good (again, partly due to being so bloody exhausted due to this same tedious work situation) but I am determined to improve and be good enough to spar.

I looked as though I was struggling so badly one day last week that my teacher, N, asked whether I was OK. I wasn't. But you can't really explain what's going on and why you are so close to tears in the middle of a kung fu lesson, can you? I hurried back to the car afterwards and bawled. S hadn't attended that session, so I was alone.

The shock of how low I felt was intense when I got home. I seem to have regressed back to bad sleeping and so much worry. I'm investigating methods of avoiding this feeling recurring; I have to. Now, I try to confront situations – there's nothing I cannot bear more than festering, ongoing, trundling problems that are on my to-do list.

I have spent far too much precious lifetime waiting to Sort Things Out and been an awful procrastinator but I am no longer happy to be that way. Bad atmospheres and being treated with such malice (because that is what it feels like) are a waste of my time and I resent it.

Anyway, I had a short but sweet holiday – a wonderful trip to Paris during which I shook off my malaise and saw a good friend who lives out there. Then I had a few days pottering in London, just relaxing, until the work situation... Yeah, yeah, you get the picture. But, yes, Paris was superb and I was beginning to feel almost normal, filled with energy and positivity. Until, yes...

My rabbits get on famously now and take care of one another – a sight to melt anyone's heart. The garden is beginning to look greener and more floral. My dear parents are back from very lengthy travels and S has been a supportive wonder, as ever.

I have seen friends again – been nice to have the energy to see certain folk a bit more. R stayed over last night for the first time since S and I moved here. It was lovely. Though tired after a day working on a national newspaper, I cooked us all a meal (admittedly a fairly simple one) and we caught up over many hours last night. I stuck to the Badoit, which is very palatable. S and R had a fair bit of wine.

Today, I took R to Richmond, where we shopped for a short time and spent hours on the Green and then by the river, talking and watching the world go by. It was so hot that people were jumping off Richmond Bridge into the Thames. It was a beautiful day. Hundreds of people were out, on the banks, benches and sitting at outdoor tables in bars, like R and me. There was an air of relaxation and holidayishness about the place.

I just want to sort out this work situation now. I've had enough of it: it is boring me and depleting me.