A fall and a blow

And no, we aren't talking kung fu.

I had an awful evening (and night/ early hours) last night. I wasn't even aware of what was wrong at first, as it was all so wound up – threads of this and that all knotted up inside me. OK, yes, I was tired (not too great a surprise for regular readers), but I'd had a good day with my parents while S was with his dad sorting out his little boat. I'd even nipped to Richmond for a brief wander. But there was an underlying feeling of unease inside my, well, I guess it was my solar plexus. It was quite a powerful feeling, actually. A sort of post-punch pain. In retrospect, I think it was foreboding.

Anyway, I eventually cried rather a lot – about the two major injustices I have suffered at work over the years through no fault of my own – and consequently S and I got to sleep very late as I let my feelings free from where they were bound up inside me. Of the two injustices, this current one has made more of an impact. The first time (which I won't detail here) caused me to develop stomach problems. This current issue needs to be scythed away, quickly.

So, I was very tired this morning, knowing that today was when I might finally receive an answer from C, who has blacklisted me from working for her department and has bad-mouthed me to potential employers for some utterly bizarre and unfathomable reason. I went to work still feeling tearful but trying to look normal.

I worked for a while, stood up to get some water with a glass in my hand and fell over, hard. I landed on my left side, hitting my head, elbow, hand, shoulder and hip. I was so shocked that I just lay there for a moment. A few people asked if I was OK but I think they heard the thud rather than saw me fall. A stray phone cable was the cause but I'm sure that had I been feeling good, and had not been so emotionally drained, I might have just stumbled rather than fallen. I went to the kitchen and cried a little bit. No one saw.

Now, my neck hurts and is stiff, it keeps 'twanging', my shoulder tingles and my hip and arm are sore.

And the blow? Well, I received a short emailed reply to my 800-odd word document from C, which basically told me that I should fuck off, and that she could choose who she wanted to work for her because she is the client.

That was the message but in what one would call 'polite' language. It laughingly also said something at the bottom about being 'sorry' that I was so surprised. What, she is surprised that I object to having work taken away and being called a let down? She thinks I'll be OK with being slagged off and having my reputation dragged through her venomous lies? She thinks that her dismissive missive was an adequate answer? She really should think a little harder.

As my friend H said, "She must be mad to cross swords with you like that". Now, don't get me wrong, I am not vengeful but I have an incredibly powerful sense of right and wrong in everyday situations – the simple things that have a big effect. Like whether a nurse bothers to feed an elderly patient, whether someone stands up for someone who looks like they need it on a busy train, whether someone bothers to apologise for knowingly standing on someone's foot, whether someone cares a damn about screwing up someone's livelihood... whether someone does the decent thing, in other words.

I felt ill all the way home – a 1.5 hour ride on a crowded bus, crowded train then another crowded bus. I stood all the way as there were no seats.

Anger came spiralling out of my tearfulness as I stepped back into my home. S prefers to see me angry rather than in despair like last night. Understandable. He said many things that helped. Also, other people's anger on my behalf does help me and I am grateful to the friends and family with whom I've shared this for their loyalty and support.

Today has been a day for selecting my sword.