...this is what tiredness does:
1) I fell over again. This time on a bus to the train station on the way home. I ended up half sitting on a man's lap. He was wearing a smart grey suit and reading a copy of one of the free London papers. I screeched: "Oh, God. I'm so sorry," as I settled on to my own seat. He smiled, and said, "It's OK, don't worry." I cringed for at least five minutes.
2) I felt like crying. I couldn't focus during kung fu and couldn't get the hang of moves that I'd otherwise probably pick up fairly quickly. It frustrates me deeply. I cringed for nearly half an hour.
3) The pain in my back/hip is annoying. I couldn't do much kicking and felt as though I was holding up the rest of the class. I was so tired that I could have cried, then and there. N told me to do other moves instead, which was a godsend, and he gave good advice on how to treat the pain. So, I must buy some tiger balm. Funnily enough, I bought some stuff called 'badger balm' today, but was too embarrassed to admit it. Badger balm claims to 'ease sore muscles' etcetera: relief when you need it.
4) I am furious about being dumped on at work. I'm astounded that Gordon comes in when he pleases, leaves when he pleases and has effectively made me editor through his absence and apathy. This means that everyone comes to me instead of him – for everything. I can't physically do it all. No one could. I'm struggling. But someone has noticed my work and I've been offered more projects. Perhaps my stance with Gordon has dispelled the soft, girlie image I used to have (in some people's eyes). Finally. I mean, I am 37.
5) My appetite has disappeared. I have lost half a stone without even trying. I have to make myself eat or I could go all day with no food – not great when you are expending as much energy as I am and toning muscles. And quite often, I am so wound up that I feel physically sick. I'm never actually sick but I retch (in private). Nice.
6) I almost stepped into the path of a car in Clerkenwell today. Fucking scary. My tiredness terrifies me at times.
No offence, but the more I read of Gordon, the less impressive he seems. I wonder if his apathy extends to ignoring any plaudits that may come in his general direction as a result of your hard work? What a gruesome state of affairs, Ms Tiredy Cat. It would be acceptable if you received his pay cheque (and maybe even his house), but you don't, so it sucks.
ReplyDeleteBut I was really looking at the other stuff here - the effects of extreme, unbearable tiredness. Perhaps the most alarming is the fact that you just lost half a stone. I mean, God.
Obviously - obviously - this can't go on, but I'm wondering how such a problem is dealt with, given that food can seem utterly repellent whilst one is in the grip of extreme sleep-deprivation. Do you take some sort of pills to help with your nutritional balance? In fact, does your doctor even know about this?
That is a bad one, Mellifluous Dark. A side-effect that not many would readily associate with a lack of sleep, certainly.
I was also imagining that some people might find the first part of your post quite funny - a quirky comedy sketch type of affair. It only really served to remind me of the sick, disconnected, stumbling existence I led whilst properly unable to sleep.
Nothing seemed real, and the shortest journey into town would leave me feeling breathless with anxious despair. I really would just sort of knock into people, because I simply couldn't move quickly enough to get out the way. You begin to feel like a bit of a spazoid.
So, yes, I've probably really cheered you up here, haven't I? I'm sorry about that, I wasn't meaning to be so gloomy.
I know that your appetite will periodically come back, but that really is an unhappy state of affairs, Mellifluous Dark. And I'm sorry about that, too.
Try to take it as easy as you possibly can - and please don't force me to bake you a yummy pie, Imelda, because it would surely get crushed in the post. Eat something already.
Kind regards and full sympathy,
TPE
Hey TPE, thank you for your regards and sympathy, and for your empathy regarding this blasted sleep thing.
ReplyDeleteBTW, feel free to hurl insults at Gordon. He deserves them in spades. It really does suck. I'd love for the boss to say that he is getting rid of Gordon on Monday but that would mean my entire week ahead will be even busier. There are admin-y things that I can entrust – and I use the term loosely – him with, but if I were to do the whole shebang, I fear for my health.
But, yes, the weight loss. It's just dropping off me (and I'm not really in need of this pound-loss). I just don't feel hungry. It's very odd. I weighed myself again this morning and another half-pound has evaporated.
You are right – I need to tell my doctor about the weight loss asap. I really can't go on with no motivation to fuel my body. I feel so drained, like a popped balloon with no air in it. I do feel as though I am flailing. That sensation of absence due to lack of full alertness is just the pits. (I am happy and encouraged that you beat the bastard insomnia, TPE, truly).
I take multivitamins but who knows if they really work? Still, placebo or not, they get shoved down my gullet daily.
I've just had a boiled egg and some nice cereal. It's a start.
I'm off to Sainsbury's soon, and will buy some fish and tasty protein-filled food. I say 'tasty' but the thought doesn't make my mouth water at all...
I wish you a good Sunday and hope the time with your family goes well. Sorry I haven't replied to your other comment yet. Suffice to say your words elicited plenty of laughs (NMJ would second that) and therefore were most welcome, as always.
Kind regards to you,
Mell D