My kung fu teacher yesterday said that I have no presence, that there is nothing in my eyes, that I look vacant/vacuous (I'm not sure which little insult he chose) and that he would not be surprised if my eyes roll back in my head, "as there was nothing there".
This little commentary, in the pub with about six other people, happened after I was telling a few of my friends there about being asked for ID (they had been talking about trying to buy alcohol when they were underage). He thinks that if I had any presence, I would not have been mistaken for a younger person. Well, fuck presence. I am seriously considering jacking it in – and telling him why. Kung fu is meant to relieve me of stress, not be a source of it. Maybe I am just not cut out for it (how many times have I said that?)...
I've arranged a day out for the class tomorrow [that was like pulling teeth] and now don't want to go (I am repeatedly deemed a "rubbish" social secretary even though I am the only one who has ever bothered to organise anything new; at least I make a bloody effort).
Another later conversation with someone else, which I won't go into here, ended in me feeling as though I'm a pain in the arse what with insomnia and so on. I suppose I am, at times.
I wish I could expand on all the reasons I don't sleep, but I don't want to. Suffice to say anyone going through similar wouldn't have much fucking presence and might find their energy is taken up with just getting through the day. It's all made me feel insulted and worthless. I slept for about three hours and feel like utter shit today.
Obviously I can't comment on the light in your eyes when you are doing kung fu, but from the way you write, you are anything but vacant/vacuous. If anything I imagine there is too much going on behind your eyes and you aren't fully focused on the kung fu as there is so many other things going through your mind at the moment.
ReplyDeleteWe are all probably a bit of a pain to someone at sometime, but
I can't imagine you being what would be persistently described as "a pain in the arse" either. You don't come across that way at all on here in anything that you've ever written. It seems like you are having a difficult time at the moment and anyone who can't except this frankly doesn't deserve your friendship.
Sanddancer, thank you so much for your lovely post.
ReplyDeleteYou have hit the nail on the head re me having too much going on rather than nothing...
I just feel I can't win sometimes and I use the kung fu as an outlet, even when I am feeling awful. I don't like that it has become another source of me feeling poo (I have enough of those). It's crazy...
Uh oh.That was thoughtless of him to say so just because your performance in class was not up to the mark.
ReplyDeleteDon't you let it get to you dear.Take care.
Hi Sameera. My performance is never up to the mark, or close to it. I don't mind a bit of criticism (I do need it in kung fu, that's for sure) but this was in a social setting and seemed rather too detailed for my liking. He also said I am weak. Maybe I am compared to everyone else – but the comments make me feel as though I am far, far worse. I think that because I'm not having a fabulous time at the moment, negative comments hurt much more.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... I suppose it's up to me as to whether to put myself in the way of criticism when I know it's inevitable (in classes).
This kung fu teacher deserves an almighty karate chop. That's all I have to say on the matter. Sleep well, dear Mell x
ReplyDeleteSomeone needs to shove your teacher's head up his bum. What a load of hooey! You've plenty of presence, as your blog shows. He is totally out of line and if you tell him so, you'll really give him a whammy of presence. I was once told by a therapist I briefly saw that I lacked assertiveness. "Really," I said, "Well, watch this space: I won't be coming back and you can stuff your sessions."
ReplyDeleteDo so hope you get some decent sleep and feel a whole lot better.
Big hug.
Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you paying to go to this class? This guy sounds like a complete jerk and knows nothing of customer service. Is there another class where you can take your business too? I could almost forgive him if within context of a class he says things to make you angry to provide motivation or something but outside of class in a pub. Me thinks he's a bad man trying to emotionally abuse a female. You don't need a jerk like that as a teacher. He's not being very teacher like and you don't need to put up with that kind of psycolocical abuse. Find another class.
ReplyDeleteNMJ – thanks my friend – I have slept better since. I hope you are catching up on your kip, too. x
ReplyDeleteVanilla, I love your response to your former therapist. I do wonder if these situations are brought about to engender a reaction... Hmm. Well done for telling him where to stick it.
Hi there Chris, I wouldn't just leave, not without saying something – the days are gone for me where I just sit there feeling worried/hurt and say nothing. No one gets anywhere if such matters remain unquestioned. I love kung fu – on the whole I greatly enjoy the camaradrie and classes. So... I had a chat with my teacher – will write about that soon.