I cried and cried last night. I have no idea why, but melancholia took over and I started thinking about certain conversations and events from my childhood.
I'd always tried to do my best. I tried. I was always the second cleverest in class. That my friend was better than me made me competitive but I could never reach her. I eclipse her in terms of what I can now do (I work with words; she is best at numeracy). But I was never quite as good at school, and that's where we are made. Will I ever be good enough? Good enough for me?
It was one in the morning when my sadness got worse, and I cried quite loudly, not caring if GFG heard through the floor. My life seemed to be flashing in front of my eyes. I switched on the lamp and reached for a tissue, feeling tiny. My eye mask was soaked with tears; I still wear it even though these last few mornings have not been madly sunny.
This morning, there are shadows beneath my eyes.
Happens dear.Such episodes are needed now and then to know where we stand and how to improve ourselves.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
Oh MD... sending huge hugs, see.
ReplyDeleteI was reading a chapter from Jon Kabat-Zinn's book "Wherever you go, there you are" this morning - about how judgmental our minds are, always chucking judging stuff at us - telling us we don't meet standards, measure up, etc - when what we need to try and do is live each moment fully, aware of our judging minds but accepting each moment for what it is, without judging it.
You take good care of you.
Thanks, Sameera :) I know – these things sure do happen. But sometimes I think we should not focus so much on improvement but focus on where we are now...
ReplyDeleteHave a great Sunday.
Vanilla, thanks very much – that makes so much sense and is deeply wise. Hard to do what Kabat-Zinn suggests, but definitely worth striving for.
ReplyDeleteTake care, too...
Hope you are feeling better now. I suffer from bouts of feeling blue because I judge myself too harshly - the OH said I will never be happy if I'm not Prime Minister. I wish I didn't do this, but sometimes it is a good thing as it can spur me on.
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Sanddancer...
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to stop something so deeply-ingrained, I think. The alternative – to just let things go – would make for a less stressful life for sure. But I don't know if the high points would be as high. Hmmm. Just have to learn to accept it as a trait, I guess.
PS: I am feeling better, thanks :)
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