New business?

Went to the bank to sort out my business account, as per the taxman's requests and all that. But I'm now beginning to worry that I won't have any business, post April, to have to account for.

I keep writing stuff in this entry and deleting it. I can't explain how I feel, except to say very frustrated.

I was offered some work for 'after next week' but my holiday, which I must take, gets in the way, as do a few shifts I've got lined up mid-April. My holiday is now a problem. God, that depresses me deeply. Now, some other person – the golden boy, by all accounts, who seems to be permanently on standby – will likely get this work that I had started counting on after it was mentioned to me yesterday.

I've slaved so hard lately, it would just be nice to have some stuff lined up so that after my holiday, the first thing I'm doing is not hunting for work. The person who is commissioning the work, J, a friend, is going to do his best to try to wangle it so the work comes my way, but I don't know if the people who commission him will wait. They are all soooo busy but yet it will take them ages to get back with any amendments that need making, expecting the writer to drop everything and do it all by tomorrow! None of this is J's fault. I've possibly been an awkward, annoying sod as far as he is concerned but other people in my (currently tottery) shoes might feel the same way when faced with such inconsistent corporate rigidity. I'm also a bit hurt that I'm not on this organisation's A-list after working there for as long as I did (or, if I am on the list, no one ever tells me!). I get occasional "C and L think you are great!" but such comments come from people with at least three degrees of separation from the sources.

The organisation in question has made me jump through hoops lately for other projects (moving deadlines etc), and I've been far more flexible than most people would put up with (I have to fit around their holidays/ days off etc). But it seems I lose out as hey, now I have a fucking holiday, and I have a few shifts booked. I want to scream. You can guarantee that these people will subsequently work at a snail's pace and... grrrrrrr... I must stop thinking about this now. Maybe they will be accommodating if they want me. This latest episode is not what I need right now. I do not need to feel deflated and at the mercy of other people's vagaries. I've had that and am done with it. This may all sound a bit over-dramatic but when you are clutching on to what you can in terms of life's certainties (and by that I mean Maslow's low-level essentials, such as having money coming in to buy food and shelter/ pay bills in 2007 speak), having a solid patch of work ahead looms like a large, sweet carrot. I defy anyone to try feeling level-headed and calm with months and months of sleep deficit hanging over their head.

The agency may also find me something new, and better; they were impressed by my CV and I know I am good at what I do, so those others who don't realise it and don't appreciate me can get stuffed. I need to get some work references to take along with me but don't want to ask anyone, or, rather, don't know who to approach. I asked lots of people for testimonials for my website and only four bothered to get back to me with anything I could use, one of these four has promised me a glowing reference but she has since forgotten all about it. Must email her. Maybe the rest of them find it all a bit too embarrassing. Hmm. I wouldn't have just not bothered to get back to such a request if the boot had been on the other foot, that's for sure. This is work, for goodness sake!

But that's me, I am a mug. I suppose I need to look out for number one a bit (much?) more. Right now, I feel like a bloody fool, sorting out other people's lives and evidently neglecting my own along the way. I am almost always the one to call, email, make arrangements, pick this or that up, meet at place X instead of place Y, be nice for the neighbours even though I'm ill, give glowing references, get people work/ ideas that I could act on myself, conjure up plans to make others' lives easier, research stuff that could help them with various problems, that sort of caboodle.

So, what is the point of being nicey-nicey and helpful all the time? Most people only look after themselves, and you are simply incidental. End of. This makes me feel like crying. I need to just get over it and stop expecting too much. "That way, you're never disappointed..." How many people have told me that?! Plenty. But the thing is, never expecting anything is a bad thing, isn't it? Doesn't it show a lack of faith in humanity? I'm not sure I could be so cynical. But I do need to strike a balance.

Oh, and I didn't sleep very well, despite a double-dose.